Have you ever wondered what would think about you if they actually knew the real you.  I thought about that yesterday when my cousin was making me aware of a recent rumor that is going on about me.  The idea of losing control in my life actually scares me.  Losing control in the sense that i cannot control what others are saying and or thinking about me.  In further thinking about the situation I started to think, what would people say if they really knew the real me, what i thought about, my struggles, my insecurities.  Would they judge me even more or would they see that I am no different than they are.  Really, think about about it. Would people’s perception on you change if they knew the real you, if they could see your deepest secret on your chest like a scarlet letter? 

I am not sure if i am too willing to find out. Until then if you don’t ask, i won’t tell.  Even if you do ask i probable still won’t tell. 

I can’t believe that I am doing this but sometimes one can be tired of feeling invisible.  We’re not talking the suicidal type but, you know, the type we’re you feel like you can be easily over looked because your personality doesn’t demand attention.  It is weird the amount of preparation needed in order to be fake.  specifically:  My cousin’s wedding is coming up this weekend and I am left feeling a bit disoriented about the idea that I am not with someone.  When exactly did my self worth become attach to a man?  Not to say that I am one of those feminist type who hates the idea of a man. But until it comes for me should I just be miserable?